Episode 61: Cultivating Self-Confidence
Do You Trust Yourself?
Self-trust leads to self-confidence. Self-confidence leads to results!
Enjoy!
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(The notes below are only a brief summary of what is discussed in the podcast. Be sure to listen to get all of the goodness! If you would like a full transcription of the episode, please send an email request to: angie@angie-robinson.com. We’d be happy to provide that!)
Self-confidence is a topic that has really interested me for a long time. Sometimes it is what life and leadership coaching clients come to me with – actually saying that they want to increase their confidence – but often times that is not the ‘presenting’ goal. The presenting goal might to get a promotion or starting a business or figuring out how to communicate more effectively or being a better leader in general. Lack of self-confidence is one of the very common barriers in the way of getting those goals.
In 2019 – my word of the year was confidence. It was something I knew I needed to increase for myself to continue building this business. As I was looking back on some of the things I wrote in 2019 about the word – I wrote that I wanted to let go of “imposter syndrome”. How interesting that confidence is an antidote to imposter syndrome! It actually can solve several things.
One more example is how people pleasing could be solved with confidence. When we are trying to please people – part of that may be because of a lack of confidence. We are subconsciously (or consciously) trying to get people to approve of us. We are actually trying to manipulate their thoughts about us. We wouldn’t need external validation of we had our OWN approval!
Before I get into what self-confidence is - let’s talk about why having self-confidence matters.
Why Self-Confidence Matters
First of all - when we feel self-confident (internally), we take actions that lead to outcomes and results that serve us, serve our purpose and serve our goals.
For example, people who are self-confident tend to:
make decisions more quickly
maintain a positive outlook
take risks
admit mistakes and accept responsibility for choices and actions - which make them less apt to blame others and less likely to beat themselves up
celebrate others’ successes instead of falling down the hole of envy
accept compliments, instead of deflecting them
Self-confidence is necessary for leaders to take risks and accomplish high goals. Leaders who are self-confident tend to deal immediately and directly with problems and conflicts, rather than procastinating, ignoring, or passing problems to others.
Benefits of Self-Confidence
Confidence has all sorts of benefits. For example, confidence can:
help improve our health and wellbeing
boost happiness, joy, and peace of mind
increase our chance of success
reduce fear and anxiety
help us remain open to learning and growing
increase motivation to go after goals
help us be more open to trying new things
lead to healthier relationships
increase our leadership effectiveness
What is Self-Confidence?
Here are some of my favorite definitions / explanations:
A feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgment.
The self-assurance that you can handle a particular challenge. It's the belief in yourself and your abilities.
Confidence is knowing and embracing all the parts of yourself (Jody Moore)
Our confidence does not mean we are better than someone else - that is arrogance.
Here is what confidence is not:
It’s not an identity.
It’s not something you are born with or born without.
It’s not something that just “is’ or ‘isn’t.
It’s not a checkbox item.
Confidence is an emotion – it is something you can create. It comes from your thinking. It produces actions and results.
When there is a lack of confidence - we might say it’s because of failing at something or because of something someone said to you or because of what your parents taught you / messages they gave you. Those external things only impact our confidence if we have thoughts about them that are unuseful or if we believe what people have said about us, etc. Those thoughts lead to self-doubt, a lack of trust and that imposter syndrome. And that is understandable – it’s our brains trying to protect us.
In the same way – when people lift us up and we believe the great things they say about us, we might have more confidence. If we succeed at something – we might have thoughts that create our confidence. Again – it’s not because of the accomplishment itself or the words that someone said. It’s because of the THOUGHTS we have about that circumstance.
Let me give you an example – and I’m going to use in the context of The Model. The Model is a tool used by The Life Coach School – where I am certified. It was created by Brooke Castillo. But the concept is not new – it’s been around for centuries. Listen to episode 9 for more information about The Model.
Let’s say we are on a work team together and we have a company-wide meeting coming up. We’ve both been tasked with giving a 45-minute presentation at the event.
My thoughts around this might be: “I’m not good at speaking” and “I’ll probably mess up” and “I’ve tried this before and wasn’t any good at it.”
Your thoughts around this are: “I’m love talking about my expertise” and “I’ve got great information to share.” And “Presenting to the organization is such an honor.”
Which one of us is more likely to feel confident? Probably not me!
The confidence comes from mind – not from the response we get from our presentation, or how many likes we get our posts or how many people compliment us on our outfit.
When you come from a place of confidence – it’s like nothing will throw you off.
Building Self-Confidence
There are many things we can do to build self-confidence, including:
Elevate self-awareness. Really get to know yourself. In order to embrace all of you – you need to understand what makes you you – all of it. The strengths, the blind spots, the beliefs (including the limiting beliefs).
Embrace all of the things about yourself. Acknowledge what you’re really good at that and what you’re not great at that. Leverage your strengths and decide what you want to do with the areas of struggle.
Think of an area in which you are confident. For example - if you are driver – you might be pretty confident in your driving abilities (which, by the way – at one time you weren’t). Practice that same skill to something you aren’t as good at. How can you apply what you think about driving your car to an area where you feel less confident?
Decide who you want to be. Tap into that future version of yourself. Set goals that align with that version of you – decide what success looks like. Show up as that person now. Remember, we don’t need to do the thing in order to feel confident. We need to be that person now and the thing will come. Do you see yourself right now as the person will accomplish goal?
Uncover your fears and limiting beliefs. Don’t judge them, dismiss them or squish them. Examine them. Understand how ‘deep’ they are. Decide how you might overcome them if they rear their head. And watch your language as well (i.e. “I’ll never do that thing”, “I’ve always been bad at speaking in front of people” , “I’m not a confident person.” “I’m just not a numbers person.”) Absolute language is limiting. It does not leave room for possibility and change.
Pay attention to your thoughts. I’m not talking about just thought swapping – (negative for positive). I’m talking about deciding if a thought serves you or not. And if not – poke holes in it. Challenge it. And then CHOOSE to think a better thought – one that you believe (at least mostly) and embrace it. Practice it until that is actually the new thought.
Watch your relationship to comparison. Is comparing yourself to others working for you or against you?
Invest in your own development. Continue to learn, grow, try new things.
Be willing to just try. Take a risk. Do a thing. You will give evidence to your brain.
Be willing to feel any emotion. The worst that can happen is feeling an emotion.
Write down all of your achievements. You will see that you are able to do things and have confidence!
If you need some potential thoughts to think that may create self-confidence, here are a few you can try:
I know this matters.
I know this will help people.
What they think of me is out of my control
What I think of me matters
I matter. What I say matters. Who I am matters.
I will end with this quote from Jody Moore:
“True confidence is not thinking more positively about yourself. It’s knowing you’re complete so it’s safe to stop thinking so much about yourself at all.” Jody Moore – Better Than Happy | Episode 222
What do you think?
Where are you with self-confidence? What thought can you think to create more?
Links
Episode 9: The Magic of Mindset
Episode 23: Who Do I Think I Am (aka Imposter Syndrome)
Episode 52: The Magic of Investing in Your Development
Episode 55: Your Relationship With Comparison
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